A Beautiful Mourning - In Memory of Mama. 1/20/2007

Updated: Oct 4, 2020

A beautiful mourning,

Where the rose petals are pushed up by faded memories,

when the wind slowly blows wet,

whistling the sound of her faded voice.


A beautiful mourning,

when the sun sets just atop the the broadest horizons,

to remind me of the brighter day to come upon the rain,

a smile after all the tears.


When penny thoughts living are worth millions in loss,

realizing the future is a lot longer than our past;

that a last breath could expel at any moment--

no regret, no apologies, no repent.

Just ambivalent hope.


Experiencing dark, overcast nights of willowed storms,

waking to new beginnings above the horizon--

A beautiful mourning.


Kneeling down at your stone remembrance,

with the eery scream of silence,

I sit upon the petaled grass blades beneath me,

as they cut into my created masks, break through my built walls,

and open the flood gates.


The tears remind me of the rainfall in my heart,

cleansing blood from the eradication of my flesh;

washing away the anticipation of new beginnings,

and rolling in the dew of unhappy endings.


A breakthrough,

reaching for your hand,

to only feel the surface of a cold, granite, stone.

Listening out for your assurances,

to receive the utterance of thin, rustling, wind.

All I can see,

all I can feel,

is a heart filled with not-so-good-byes,

a diagnosis prescribed with lack of closure,

a sanctuary filled with testimonies of unexplained narratives,

a conviction for the criminal act of negligent presence--


Yet,

a place where I can finally find peace;

where life can stand still long enough to tell you,

I'm sorry.

I miss you. I love you.

Where pain and guilt can finally go home to its ground,

and not lie actively in my heart.

Where thinking about you comes to lying down,

just six feet away from your heart--

And feeling the liveliness of you,

even when I leave.

I hope that you can feel me,

in the way I've been trying to feel you all of my newborn life.

I pray you feel my love evermore,

in the way you have been trying to love me through all of eternity.

That, is a beautiful mourning.

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